Relationship Accounting

My husband has told me on more than one occasion (code for often) that he doesn’t believe in relationship accounting, and therefore I should not practice it. Every time he says this, I smile and nod – it is my version of “yes, dear”. I know my “yes, dear” response bothers him, and so I have been giving more thought to the concept of relationship accounting. Is it fair to keep a running tally of the good and the bad between friends and family?

There are pros and cons to this practice of keeping count. For example, last Friday I had a big night out and my husband helped me nurse a wicked hangover (among other things) for pretty much the rest of the weekend. His taking care of me and not making me feel guilty for acting like a 16 year old landed him a big PLUS/ credit in my relationship accounting book. This credit meant he go away with murder for the rest of the week (okay, okay, maybe just the weekend!). In that case, would he really have an issue with me keeping score and thinking “I’ll let all of this slide because he’s been so good?” The answer is definitely not. Yet, on the con side, I also have the nasty little habit of listing all the things I do for our relationship/ family (and by default what he doesn’t do) when we argue. It is this practice of keeping count that my husband dislikes so much. And because I adore him (and honestly because he has a huge credit right now) I’m going to work on this nasty little habit. At the end of the day, however, he’s my husband and so there will always be more pluses that minuses – that’s why I married him. Truthfully, I worry less about keeping count when it comes to him because we are together for the long haul and more about how this practice of relationship accounting has affected a few friendships in my life. 

Not too long ago, in my pre-baby, pre marriage life, I was planning a wedding. Wedding planning for some can be very stressful and my experience was insane. For the record, I loved my wedding and would take all the chaos and anxiety related with organizing it over again in order to have that perfect, magical night with my husband and all the people we love most in the world. HOWEVER, there were plenty of hiccups and tears along the way and perhaps the biggest disappointment were the actions of one friend. I remember the final straw came by way of an email and I immediately called two close friends we share in common crying and trying to understand how she could this to me. After my big cry/meltdown, I put a huge debit in the ledger book of our decade long friendship. And as a result, we never recovered from that experience. In retrospect, I now know I wrote her off that day. Was it fair? Problably not. After years of being there for each other – one event had more value then all the rest and I simply could not let it go. The result was the end of what had been a very important friendship in my life. Ironically, or perhaps fittingly, I would similarly disappoint a dear friend that same summer, and he too would write me off. Another decade plus friendship concluded because my one bad action outweighed all the rest. 

Having been on the other side of the equation, it sucks when someone is keeping count on you. Ideally, the golden rule should be applied here: Do not do to others what you would not like to be done to you. After all if I’m keeping count, then by default someone is adding and subtracting me in their book. But let’s me honest – inevitably, I will keep count in some way. It’s in my DNA; I’m a finance chick. So here is my new strategy: I choose NOT to balance my friendship checkbook. I will not subtract the disappointments, the let downs, or the negatives from someone’s worth. God knows, I’m flawed and will certainly disappoint most, if not all, the people I love at some point in my life. I will focus on the other side of the relationship accounting ledger and only add up all the moments when the people I love shine. Let’s just say this is the one time being balanced is not the goal. In closing, there is one final personal accounting entry to make. This fall and winter have been periods of great transition for my husband and I between a new baby, a new job for my husband, and lots of moves, and our friends and family have been incredibly kind and generous with us during this period. I’m so thankful to all those people (you know who you are) and they will always have a big PLUS next to their names.