Equal Opportunity Parent

Not too long ago I found myself observing a daddy at a class at our local library that I go to with my son. Here was this father going to a reading and song class with his little girl, surrounded by a sea of at least a dozen moms and their babies, and he seemed lost and maybe even a little nervous. I wasn’t sure if his 6-month child was clinging to him or if it was perhaps the other way around. As the class wrapped up and some moms lingered around to chat about their babies, share tips, and arrange for play dates, so too did this father. And yet no one seemed to really engage with him, including me. I left the class feeling badly for not having chatted with him or asked if he ever wanted to hang out. But a part of me wasn’t sure if was even appropriate. Is it okay to ask a dad out on a play date?

I attend a couple of baby-related activities during the week with my son, and in every class there is always one, lone dad – just like the father from the baby time reading class. These fathers are the first to leave after the class wraps up and rarely talk with the other moms. Recently, I wrote about play dating and the awkwardness I feel (and certainly still feel at times) in approaching and meeting new moms. But let’s be honest, it doesn’t get any harder than being a dad. You can’t bond over the challenges of pregnancy, labor, and breastfeeding as a man, and it has to be hard for a dad to get invited to or invite others on a play date. It seems to me that while we live in a modern society for the most part, in certain realms we still operate under the old, traditional system. What I mean by this is that many people might find it strange if a father decides to stay at home and be the primary caregiver in the family. Most of us will ask the question: Why isn’t he working? And maybe some us will take it a step further and pass judgment on the decision. The traditional rules of society tell us that the woman should stay home and take care of the kids, while the husband must go off to work. This is the same, "old school" approach that also tell us us what jobs women should (and by default shouldn’t) have. And I don’t live by these rules. For the last 10 years I have worked in jobs and even attended schools that were mostly “for men”. I have fought against stereotypes and discrimination at the work place for as long as I can remember, and now I am guilty of the very same thing. We know, even as kids, when another person is feeling lost or unsure and we make a choice to be inclusive or exclusive. So, why am I/ are we still playing by these old rules when it comes to taking care of our babies? Why aren’t the stay-at-home-mommies out there reaching out to the stay-at-home daddies? I have said it many times before, it can be lonely as a new mom or dad and there are so many questions that cannot be answered by books or the Internet alone. Parents need to stick together, not just the moms. 

The very same week I observed the lonely dad at reading class, my friend Maryah came to visit with her 5-year old daughter Nour. On the day they arrived, we went to the park and all watched from afar as a mother and her autistic son, who was probably 13 or 14, played on the jungle gym nearby. There were other parents in the park, and all of us were trying to avoid staring at the little boy who was making lots of noise, and feeling sympathy or perhaps even pity for his mom. But, we said nothing, did nothing. It was Nour, who perhaps sensed the mom’s sadness or simply saw another kid and wanted to say hello, who brought them over a flower she had picked. I think about Nour and that day often and I also look at my son, who has mostly girl friends, from all background and ethnicities, and I wonder where, when and who influences our children to change from being kind and open minded. Is it the parents? Do they learn it from us? If it is something they pick up from us, the moms and the dads, then the answer to my question is a resounding YES! It is absolutely appropriate to ask a dad out a play date. I am an equal opportunity parent. I choose to be inclusive not only because it’s the right thing to do, but also because I want to teach my son that there are no set roles in life for anyone. You can do anything, be anything, and most importantly be open to anything.